Travel Chaos in the south - Why can I hear Seedy laughing?

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Canadian Paddler
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Post by Canadian Paddler » Mon Feb 02, 2009 8:59 am

BRITAIN UNDER SIX INCHES OF TRAVEL CHAOS Britain was braced for more bleeding obvious advice this week as forecasters warned of another incoming front of TRAVEL CHAOS. This new warning comes only days after the whole country awoke to find a six inch covering of TRAVEL CHAOS had covered much of the British Isles overnight with more flurries of TRAVEL CHAOS over the following 24 hours.

However, whilst a further dusting of TRAVEL CHAOS could be a problem in itself, some experts say the real danger for drivers is of being hit by a sudden shower of sodding patronising advice from motoring organisations. "If this weather continues, drivers need to be extra careful to avoid large patches of ****ing obvious advice," noted Dr Gneil Pipely, Head of Wasting Everyone's Time Studies at All Saints College, Appleton. "For example, it's all too easy to be in the car listening to the radio when, next thing you know, you're being told to avoid any journey that isn't necessary, and by the time you sense the smugly high minded tone it's too late to take evasive re-tuning action".

But facile warnings apparently aimed at people who just drive around in their cars for no reason whatsoever could be only the tip of a very patronising iceberg, Dr Pipely warns. With the expected return of TRAVEL CHAOS motorists should also be on high alert for other blandly useless information such as 'carry a warm rug in the car', 'take a flask of tea with you on every journey', 'if the road looks icy, don't bang the car into first gear and mash the throttle like a mentalist' and 'always arrange for a St Bernard to run everywhere after your car just in case you drive into a crevace on the M4'. Motorists are also reminded that a good way to keep warm during TRAVEL CHAOS is to smash the car radio repeatedly with a hand jack until Sally ****ing Traffic on Radio 2 just ****ing shuts up.

"Ha ha ha," said some motorists in Sweden and Canada whilst driving perfectly well through a massive snow storm. "What is wrong with you people?" they added, grittily.
All spelling errors are intentional and are there to show new and improved ways of spelling old words. Grammatical errors are due to too many English classes/teachers.
Old. Fat. Slow. Bad tempered. And those are my good points

Seedy Paddler
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Joined: Wed May 26, 2004 2:00 pm

Post by Seedy Paddler » Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:38 pm

MILLIONS OF SNOWBOUND WORKERS ABOUT TO DISCOVER JEREMY KYLE

SNOWBOUND workers across Britain are today expected to encounter the Jeremy Kyle Show for the very first time.

As blizzards paralyse the nation's transport network experts say that by 1pm millions will find themselves inexorably drawn towards the ITV2 mutant horror cavalcade.

Tom Logan, a solicitor from Kent, said: "Not me, I'll be using my laptop to get on with some important work. Probably.

"And not that I'm remotely interested, but apparently today's show is about this bloke who's married to three sisters, two of them are his and four of the children are married to their own mothers. They're calling it 'Help! I Think My Mum is My Wife's Brother's Wife!'."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Many people are about to have their first glimpse at the grotesque, monkey-man hybrid that lurks in the dark heart of British society

"There will be two distinct effects. There will be those who watch it and are haunted by it every day for the rest of their lives but are somehow still able to function.

"And then there will be those who become instantly and catastrophically addicted and who will then give up their jobs and find themselves trapped in a chaotic downward spiral that will ultimately lead to an appearance on the Jeremy Kyle Show."

He added: "If you ask many of the failed monkey experiments that appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show where their lives started to go wrong, more than half say it was when they first started watching the Jeremy Kyle Show."

Southern Jessies! :p

Courtesy of The Daily Mash

Munchkin
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Post by Munchkin » Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:04 am

Seedypaddler, I would laugh at yours but I have recently joined the Crunchies (Credit Crunch unemployed) and the consequences of your post are a real concern to me. After 3 days I have avoided it so far but one of those days was spent on the Dart so doesn't count!

Must go to the gym as an avoidance tactic...!

Seedy Paddler
Posts: 435
Joined: Wed May 26, 2004 2:00 pm

Post by Seedy Paddler » Tue Feb 03, 2009 5:15 pm

More from the Daily Mash :


SNOW MELTS, CLAIMS MET OFFICE

SNOW is a delicate substance made of tiny ice crystals and unlikely to last forever, the Met Office claimed last night.
Experts insisted the granular material had a soft and open structure that was very likely to turn into water, and was not an airborne member of the notoriously hardwearing diamond family.

As millions of Britons stocked up on anti-wolf equipment, climatologists claimed the snow would disappear within days as rising air temperatures resulted in the breakdown of its crystalline structure in a process they referred to as 'melting'.

A Met Office spokesman, said: "Snow is a notoriously unstable material, which is why we never use it to build bridges.

"Try picking it up, notice how the warmth of your hands makes it go soft and disappear. In fact, the only thing it is guaranteed to withstand is a 12-ton London bus."

He added: "Of course, there is always a chance this is the beginning of a hundred year winter that will only end when four unbearably smug public school children become our rulers after pushing their way through the back of a magic wardrobe, stealing some very expensive coats and befriending a talking lion who's actually Jesus."

But trainee solicitor and amateur survivalist Julian Cook said he was now prepared for a permanent, snow-based society after watching Sky News non-stop for 16 hours and reading the Daily Mail's 12-page supplement, Wolves! Everywhere!

He added: "Sssshhhhh! They can hear how fat you are."

:D

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